My friends, the baristas behind the counter at my corner Starbucks, who I went to visit every day because they enjoyed my company so much, suggested this online dating website.
With a heart full of hope, I joined snag-somelove.com. Not to be confused with stab-somelove.com, which I’m sure they didn’t mean to write when they handed me the note attached to my caramel macchiato. Believe me, you do NOT want to go to that website! Those images cannot be unseen.
Snag-somelove.com, on the other hand, is a dating service designed for those who are tired of the dating scene, people like me, who are looking for something real. So, I created a fake profile, lied about everything on it and waited for real love to find me.
Yes, my name is Margaret not Sarah, and I’m 4’9 not 5’5. I’m 100 lbs. more robust than I claimed, and my profile picture is from 12 years ago. Okay, 22 years ago. Whatever. Real love knows no bounds.
I met Lenny and we fell head over heels. Sure, the news reporters are saying his name is Chuck, but I know his name is Lenny. Why would he lie to me?
He’ll always be my Lenny.
Lenny loved my long blond hair. He said he couldn’t resist a real blond. (My hair is actually red. Hello, photo-shop). I think if he knew, he’d appreciate all I’ve done for our relationship. Love is in the soul, well beyond the surface appearances.
The news reporters are also saying that Lenny, well Chuck, has a real thing for blonds. They found 33 of them buried in his yard. But I know, without a doubt, they’re wrong. Lenny told me that the previous tenant did it, and I believe him. They don’t know him like I do.
Sure, Lenny was arrested with a trunk full of blood-crusted tools, but he was framed, I know it. I won’t give up on us.
The FBI came to my door. Isn’t that amazing? They told me they had searched his computer and followed my messages right to me. Naturally, I invited them in. It was so fantastic and exciting. Wait until I tell my friends at Starbucks, they will not believe this!
Then the FBI agents told me the most ridiculous things. They said that this “Chuck” had my address and all of my information. He had plane tickets to my city and was due to fly out the day they captured him. They told me that this “Chuck” was going to enslave, rape, torture and then kill me. He was collecting blonds, they said.
“Well, I’m not a blond,” I replied. I mean, duh! Right?
How ludicrous. If Lenny had a plane ticket that means he was going to surprise me. How completely romantic! I’ve never loved him more.
They said if he had gotten to my door and found a red-head, he would’ve killed me on the spot.
Morons. They don’t know my Lenny like I do.
I went to see him in prison. He was surprised to see me, but there is no distance that could keep me away from him during his time of need. He looked so shocked. The vein bulged and pulsed in his bald forehead. I didn’t mind that he was older and balder…and heftier than he had led me to believe. It’s how I know he can accept me as I am. We had both lied for true love.
He said, “When I get outta here, you’re mine!” And he said it so passionately. Oh my Lenny. His hand clutched the phone on his side of the glass wall until his knuckles were white.
I felt it, too.
“Oh Lenny, I’ll wait for you. I’m yours!” I cried. Matching his enthusiasm, I threw myself against the glass partition.
His face twisted with intense love that nearly looked like pain. I could see that he loved me so much it hurt him. He is a wildly passionate guy.
Oh the stories he told me during our late night chats…about what he wanted to do to me. Well, I can tell you this, he has a lot more sexual experience than I do. I mean, I hadn’t heard of some of the things he mentioned like the Columbian necktie (doesn’t it sound so exotic? Sex-ay!). I’m not intimidated by his experience, true love compromises. For Lenny, I am willing to be loved with intensity.
Then his lawyers told me that they found a technicality and Lenny could be free by next week! Can you believe it? They suggested I run away and hide but I told them now is not the time for games! Idiots.
I have to go, this is about the time each day when Lenny gets his phone privileges and calls to scream his adorable intentions for me…he’s such a kidder, my Lenny.
Copyright © 2011 by Denise Streiner